This Is a Movie

The Cabin in the Woods

This is a moviethat is clearly supposed to be scary and mind bending. Something about ghosts, right? No? Monsters? NO? Okay. I don’t even care anymore. I’m never going to a secluded cabin ever. I’m sure nobody ever does that. If they did, they’d die. That’s all I know and that’s what this movie knows. 

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer: I watched this trailer a very long time ago. Looks like this cabin is some sort of mix between the hostels in Hostel and the everything in the Saw ”movies.” People die. Horribly. Scary stuff, guys. 

What I like: Not much. People have been calling this a “game changer” and whatnot. I guess the “game” is the “horror” genre. So that’s interesting. Not something to “like” or anything. Just a nice, “Oh, I see,” response in my head.

21 Jump Street

This is a moviethat pays homage(?)(also: UGH) to a TV show from the 1980s. A TV show that launched the career of Richard Grieco and probably no one else. That was a joke. Johnny Depp, you guys. But yeah, they got C-Tates and skinny Jonah Hill playing undercover cops posing as high-schoolers (not a word, btw) because of drugs. Dave Franco (AKA my favorite Franco) plays the high school drug king pin or something. 

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer:  Superbad jokes with an actor from Superbad and an actor not known for his comedic chops as much as his dancing … chops. Meh. This doesn’t look good, but it doesn’t exactly look bad. You won’t see me in a theater watching this (mainly because it’s very unlikely to run into anyone in a movie theater), but you might see it in my instant queue (which is absolutely a more likely thing for anyone to see since most people share NFlix accounts and also identity theft), in like a year. 

What I like: Dave Franco. He can do no wrong in my book. And if this site is like my book, you know that I love pointing out wrongs and such. I also like skinny Jonah Hill. Which is no longer a thing. Oh well.

PICTURED: A cute pic. That is all.

Safe House

This is a movieabout Ryan Reynolds playing a young buck put in charge of a “safe house” for like a night with a super agent prisoner (Denzel W.) as its only occupant. Well, I bet they just pal around but keep a safe distance from each other considering how dangerous the old dude is in this premise … oh, wait they don’t and other stuff happens and you’re now stuck in an action movie. Great. Chase scenes? But what about the “house” part of the title?

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer: I honestly meant the whole “palling around” thing as a joke (see above) but DUH THAT HAPPENS. I bet respect is gained and secrets revealed. Nothing new, just two pretty solid actors not choosing the best project to work on. D-Zel was just in a movie where he had been the crotchety mentor or whatever. C’mon, you were a man on fire. And Ry Ren? I love that guy but I will never believe that he is “young” or “not able to kick somebody’s ass.” Dude’s 35 and like super tall and looks like a superhero but not the one he played recently because I do NOT want to talk about that.

Movie looks hella dumb, that’s all.

What I like: Denzel Washington’s character is named “Tobin Frost.” He is NOT to be trusted, guys. Also his hair is awesome. 

PICTURED: Alex was bugging me to start this blog again so I took embarrassing photos of her in front of terrible movie posters. “No One is Safe … from Razzin’!” 

Good Deeds

This is a movieabout a dude named Deeds. Stanley Deeds? I’m only looking at this blurry picture I took in a hurry so I have to look this up. Wesley Deeds. And something something … it’s a Tyler P. movie so you know what it’s going to be about. We get it, Mr. Perry, you LOVE money. I really hope Madea is not in this one because his idea of building on stereotypes for laughs is pretty disgusting to me. Also, give the audience some time to breathe between laughs, Ty! But seriously, this movie is definitely a movie.

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer: Nope. Not a chance. There’s obviously no way I would watch this trailer. Instead I’ll talk about how I really just hope this movie is about Tyler Perry being a Black Muslim. I would not mind that at all, you guys. Unfortunately he isn’t wearing a bow tie so that is probably not the case. 

What I like: I like that the main character’s name is part of the title. It’s crafty. This was my inner dialogue when looking at this poster:

“I bet that briefcase is full of the good deeds, haha! Wait what? HIS LAST NAME IS DEEDS? Well I feel terrible about that briefcase joke now. So is this the black Good Will Hunting? Like a reboot? Oh boy, I think I was just being racist again.”

SIDENOTE: The tagline, “Wesley Deeds is about to discover the man he was meant to be,” is an incredibly lazy movie tagline. That’s exactly what every movie is about. For instance: “BABE is about to discover the PIG IN THE CITY he was meant to be” (Babe: Pig in the City).

OR:  “THE GODFATHER is about to discover the man he was was ROBERT DINIRO!” (The Godfather Part 2).

PICTURED: Though you cannot see her face, it’s the one and only Alexandra J. Weiss. Queen of Razzin’. I asked her to pose like T. Perry. I think she did her impression of anyone that sees the movie.

Larry Crowne

This is a movie that is definitely “a movie.”  Dude loses job because he didn’t go to college and then meets a Julia Roberts-type while at community college.  Only the “dude” in this story is Tom Hanks and the Julia Roberts-type is actually Julia Roberts and her disturbingly gigantic mouth.  Am I seriously supposed to believe that Tom Hanks didn’t go to college?  Seriously.  His son literally raps about college (and weed, which is totally a college thing to do) all the time.   

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer:  Tom Hanks is the token old, white guy in the class.  That’s not a prediction, that’s just the truth.  That statement is the truest thing in the world.  He looks like my dad if my dad didn’t have a SUPERB mustache and was maybe a little slimmer. HAPPY FATHER’S DAY, DAD!!!!!   Also, there will maybe be a terrible Vespa accident because Julia Roberts causes a blinding glare for the oncoming traffic with her GIGANTIC MOUTH.

What I like:   Absolutely nothing. I bet Hanksy thought that the character of “Larry Crowne” had more to it, since the name is pretty cool.  I’m very surprised this wasn’t titled “Larry Crowne Affair,” with the poster being Tom winking at you … while on a Vespa… Julia Roberts has a huge mouth.  OH MAN! They should make Julia Roberts a vampire in a movie and she would be the scariest vampire in the world because it’s so plausible!  TRADEMARKED IDEA.

PICTURED: So I went back to the “friends next to posters” idea because it’s much easier.  In this we have Kelly and Josh posing as the soon-to-be iconic characters of the film “Larry Crowne.”  Also, Max is wearing sunglasses.  

Melancholia

This is a movie that is directed by a weird dude who recently called himself a Nazi but then took it back and it’s all cool now.  A joke’s a joke, world, and a Nazi joke is a funny joke.  Especially coming from a guy named Lars Von Trier.  But this isn’t a news site.  You don’t read this for news, you read it for a reason I’ll never understand.  THIS IS A MOVIE about a depressed Kirsten Dunst (remember Crazy/Beautiful?? I KNOW RIGHT!) and her sister, Charlotte Gainsbourg (no, I believe their sister-ness), and the world is ending but there’s this wedding … WHATEVER.  It’s a cast of attractive people dealing with weird stuff.  

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer:  They keep talking about how this asteroid/meteor/comet/rock is going to hit Earth.  I’m guessing it does and I’m guessing bad stuff happens.  There will be sad dialogue and nudity and maybe some weird devil-sex like Von Trier’s other movie, Antichrist (AKA “No Thank You, Lars”).  

What I like:   It’s weird and serious and sad, but it looks nice.  I like the cast and I like fun topics like the end of the world.  Also, here’s some trivia:  a bunch of the actors in this movie played vampires at some point in their careers.  I HOPE THAT IS RELEVANT!  

Oh and “YAAWWWNNN.”  I wanted to open with that long yawn, but I didn’t.  I definitely shouldn’t have closed with it, though, because by this point of the review it seems like I might see this.  Oops.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m doing this thing where I replace one of the characters on the movie posters with myself instead of taking pictures.  So far this has only proven, once again, that I look great in Kirsten Dunst’s wedding dress.

Green Lantern

This is a movie about a racist super hero.  LOOK IT UP.  I doubt the racism storyline will be evident in this “film,” but I’m sure it would not have hurt.  Though I think the dude on RyRen’s right is supposed to be the black character.  He’s at least voiced by Michael Clarke Duncan.  Another thing about this movie is that it will be in 3D (because it’s 2011 so it’s 3D or GTFO or something) and it will be green.  GreenD?  You’re welcome.  

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer:  Whoa.  Peter Sarsgaard’s dad is Tim Robbins?  I’m just glad TR is in a big movie.  I don’t know if I can handle Robbins’ height on a 3D screen, but I’m willing to test my limits.  Also, Blake Lively is in it and I’m sure she’ll pout a lot and most likely show some cleavage.  I mean she can’t help it.  It just happens.  Only this time in 3D.  

What I like:   Peter Sarsgaard has never looked better.  I’m talking about his ‘stach, of course.  Oh and Ryan Reynolds is a funny guy, so yay! GREEN! 

Faster

This is a movie about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson “laying the smack down” on some guys who killed his brother.  William (Billy) Robert (Bob) Thornton is also in it.  That’s really about it, if you smell what I’m cookin’.

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer:  Explosions, guns being shot at people, muscles, cars, people dying, broken bones and maybe broken hearts(?).

What I like:   The main characters don’t have names.  They’re just characters.  The Rock is “Driver” and others are “Cop,” ”Inmate,” ”Killer,”  and “Uniform.”  I would really hate to be offered the part of “Uniform.”  Sorry actor Josh Clark.  Looks like this is “rock bottom” for you*.  

*My apologies to actor Josh Clark.  This isn’t “rock bottom” for you.  THIS might have been, though.

Pictured:   CHAD.  I know, he’s all over this blog.  MAYBE OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD HANG OUT WITH ME MORE.

Yogi Bear

This is a movie about a bear going on a massacre in YellowJellystone National Park.  A Pic-a-nic basket massacre!  But seriously, I’m serious.  Everybody knows what Yogi Bear is about.  I guess it’s a little different since Justin Timberlake is the voice of Boo-Boo and Dan Aykroyd is Yogi’s creepy voice.  Oh and Ed is in it.  Everyone get’s that reference, right? Ed? The TV show?

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer:  To be honest, dedicated readers, I only watched the trailer once and I was drunk/bored.  I did not pick much up from the trailer.  The Poster doesn’t tell much either.  Good job, people behind the Yogi Bear movie.  Now the 3’s of people that read this will never see your movie.  

What I like:  Anna Faris.  I really like Anna Faris.  

Pictured:   The Flewwellings!  YAY!  Meghan kept saying the tagline “Life’s a Pic-a-nic!” after seeing the poster, so I HAD to take this picture.  They’re pointing to sausage.

Jackass 3-D

This is a movie about dudes playing pranks and hurting themselves a lot.  Everyone knows what Jackass is but nobody has witnessed this stuff in 3-D!*  Unless you’ve actually seen this stuff in person.  Which might have been cool unless you were the one being pranked.  When I was younger my friends and I loved CKY and Jackass.  We even made our own Jackass-style videos and whatnot.  Once I jumped off of my bike into a large bush and nearly broke my leg.  Not so cool, huh?  Well imagine if that was in 3-D!  Cooler?  Oh well.  

Prediction based on what I gathered from the trailer:  The Jackass guys have an office?  What the hell do they do in there?  Have meetings like “So Johnny’s been gored by a bull before, right?  Great, I know.  How about this time we make it 3-D and he’s naked, blindfolded, painted, and/or hogtied.  Discuss!”

What I like:   I was super happy to see Bam get hit with a huge high-five-hand-thingy.  The reason for my happiness is because I think that was the only part of the trailer he was in.  Possibly the movie.  I hate that dude.  

 *I’m really good at slogans, guys. (“Where’s the Beef?” - not mine, but could’ve easily been)

Pictured: Joe Klein.  His birthday is coming up and he’s also a jackass.  See what I did there?